Dealing with Abuse
My partner has done some things that concern or scare me. What should I do?
Recognize you cannot change someone, and controlling or violent behaviors are likely to continue and worsen. Remember you have the right to make you own decisions, and you deserve respect. If you feel safe enough to do so, you might want to discuss your feelings calmly with your partner, saying things like, “when you do this…it makes me feel like this.”You may want to have that conversation in public – trust your own instincts about whether it’s safe enough to bring this up or not. And if it’s not, consider that a red flag. If you do bring up your concerns and your partner reacts badly, that’s an important red flag, too. If you decide to leave, understand it’s possible your partner will react badly and lash out. It’s critical to develop a plan for leaving, and the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (1-866.331.9474 or TTY 866.331.8453) can help. You should also reach out to friends and family to make sure you have the support you will need once you leave.
What should I do if I have been physically hurt?
If you have been physically hurt, please take care of yourself and get medical attention if needed. If you do seek medical attention, note that doctors, nurses, and other medical personnel might ask you more than once about how you got hurt. They should ask you at least one time when you are by yourself. You can decide what to tell them.
If you say you have been hurt by a partner, medical personnel are required by law to note this in your medical record. You can use this record if you ever need proof of what happened to you. If you’re under 18 and a doctor suspects you’ve been hurt by somebody, the law says they must report the information you give them to law enforcement or Child Protective Services. If you are 18 or older, medical personnel in Texas are not mandated to report your injury to law enforcement unless you have a gunshot wound.
Even so, there is no guarantee that they won’t report, so be sure to ask the doctor what they plan to do so you can plan for your safety. If you don’t feel you can get medical attention, then tell someone else whom you trust about your injury. Injuries can be more serious than they seem at first, so don’t keep it to yourself. Your own health and safety should be your first priority.
I see some red flags, but I don’t want to break up. How can I get my partner to stop?
Let your partner know their behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and establish clear boundaries. For example, you might say, “When you call me every hour when we‘re apart, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I would prefer if you would call me once and let me call you back when I’m ready.” You have the right to say “I want to be with you, but I need to be trusted and respected.” If your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries and won’t agree to adjust their behavior to your comfort level, you may need to think about whether this relationship is right for you. You can’t control your partner’s behavior – all you can do is let your partner know what you need to feel respected.
My dating partner only acts this way when s/he is drunk or on drugs. How can I help them stay sober?
While alcohol and drugs do not cause dating violence, they are a dangerous combination. Substance abuse is an individual problem, and no amount of convincing from others can help someone until they’re ready to make a change in life. There are programs you can direct your partner to, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, but the decision to seek help is their’s to make. You can also find support for yourself at Alateen or Al-Anon programs, designed for friends or family members of users. If you’ve calmly stated your concern to your partner and encouraged them to seek help, you have done all you can, and it’s time to consider your own limits and safety.
If you want to talk to someone from
loveisrespect.org,the National Teen Dating
Abuse Helpline, click chat icon below.
Trained professionals and young adults are
available for assistance and support.
If chat is unavailable, call 1-866-331-9474
or 1-866-331-8453 TTY.