Helping a Friend
What do I say if my friend is in a dating situation that concerns me?
It’s very important for you to be there for your friend, letting them know that you’ll listen without judgment. Your friend is in a situation wherein someone is limiting their freedom and causing them to question their ability to make decisions. So it’s very important for you to not just tell your friend what to do – they have enough of that in the dating relationship already, and it may just make them tune out or feel worse about themselves. They should know you’re concerned but empower them to make decisions on their own.
Don’t worry about having the “right” thing to say. Just saying something is a start. A good approach might be, “I’ve noticed this happening. How does it make you feel? Are you O.K. with this? Do you think you could talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend about it?” Tell your friend that you are asking out of concern and that you’ll be there for your friend no matter what happens.
What if my friend’s behavior is concerning or scaring their partner?
If your friend is being controlling toward someone they’re dating, you can help your friend by providing a reality check. You might be angry or disgusted with your friend, but the best way to approach them is calmly and with respect.
Remember that it’s very important not to put yourself in an unsafe situation or pick a physical fight. You might say, “I’ve noticed how your partner reacts when you talk that way (or “I saw the way you grabbed his/her arm”). It really didn’t seem right to me. What’s happening with you guys? Do you think you’d want to talk to someone about what’s going on?”
Be careful about sharing any information that you may have gotten from your friend’s partner about the relationship – this could lead to dangerous consequences for them. Stick to what you’ve seen or heard or wondered about yourself.
How can I tell if something’s wrong?
You should be concerned if your friend turns down invitations to hang out with you because “it’s not worth the fight,” seems unhappy or nervous when they’re with their partner or talking about them, talks about “getting in trouble” with their partner or seems to be working too hard to keep things smooth in the relationship, or is being insulted or humiliated in front of people.
On the flip side, if you have a friend who brags about having their partner under their thumb, belittles their partner behind their back or to their face, admits to being physically violent even if they “didn’t mean it,” or makes comments like “they better not leave me,” then it’s time to raise a red flag.
Is this really worth risking my friendship? Isn’t my friend just going to get mad at me?
The key is to bring up the issue gently but firmly (see other What If..? sections for tips). If no one approaches your friend, s/he may slip away from the crowd thinking no one notices or cares about what’s going on. The more isolated s/he becomes, the more your friend may think, “I can’t leave this relationship. All my friends have abandoned me, so who would I hang out with?” Dating violence tends to get worse over time, so wishing and hoping it will go away is not the answer. When the consequences can be a matter of life or death, isn’t it better to know you tried and made someone a bit upset than to always wonder if you could’ve helped?
How can I get my friend to leave his/her dating partner?
Ultimately, the decision to leave is your friend’s decision, not yours. What you can do is stick by your friend, even when they’re hard to be around, and make sure that they know they can talk to you and you will help them find help.
I feel like I’ve lost my friend to a relationship. S/he’s changed so much, doesn’t want to hear what I have to say about the relationship, and never accepts invitations anymore. Why should I keep trying?
It hurts to feel rejected by a friend and to see them being hurt by a dating partner. Know that if they’re not ready to see what’s going on, it can be hard to hear your opinions about it. And their partner may keep them from accepting your invitations. Be patient and continue to include your friend in your life even if s/he turns down your invitations. Just calling to say “hope you’re doing well” or sending a funny joke or lunch invitation over e-mail will let your friend you still care.
Your friend needs you now more than ever, and it takes a while to leave any large part of your life behind – be it a job, home or relationship. If your friend considers moving on from the relationship but looks around and feels like everyone’s disappeared, s/he may stay in the situation, thinking their partner is the only person left to be with. During breakup time, someone who’s been around for the long haul can provide some much-needed perspective.
What should I do if I see a friend being physically hurt?
If you hear or witness an act of physical violence, don’t physically intervene alone. If you can see or hear that someone is being physically hurt or threatened, call the police. After the incident, make sure you ask your friend what kind of support they want. They may not want to talk about it right away – they may just want you to hang out with them.
Encourage your friend to get medical attention if there’s any chance at all they may be hurt. Don’t be afraid to bring up what you saw – it could give your friend the opening they need to talk to you about it. Ask your friend what they’d want someone to do if it happens again. Let your friend know s/he can contact the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline toll-free at 1-866.331.9474 or TTY 866.331.8453. Advocates can help your friend create a safety plan if threats or violence are still an issue. Reassure your friend you don’t think the incident is their fault and you are not ashamed of them.
When should I call a hotline?
You can call a hotline any time you or your friend is worried about behavior in a relationship. You can also call a hotline for your friend to help ensure their safety. Be sure to call a hotline if you and your friend are developing a plan for dealing with future incidents of abuse, or if your friend is trying to leave the relationship.
When should I call the police?
If you can see or hear that someone is being physically hurt or threatened, call the police. Physical violence among two people who are dating might seem like a private matter, but physical violence is never OK and is against the law. If you know someone who is worried about their safety in a relationship, you can also make a safety plan together and decide how they can indicate when it’s time to call the police. Signals might include calling you and hanging up, telling you a certain password, or switching a porch light on and off.
If you want to talk to someone from
loveisrespect.org,the National Teen Dating
Abuse Helpline, click chat icon below.
Trained professionals and young adults are
available for assistance and support.
If chat is unavailable, call 1-866-331-9474
or 1-866-331-8453 TTY.