Jealousy/Privacy

Isn’t jealousy just a normal part of relationships?

Jealousy is indeed a very common feeling in relationships. But it’s not an excuse to control someone else’s behavior. If you’re feeling jealous, it’s up to you to find a constructive way to handle that feeling without trying to take charge of your partner’s life. Sometimes people think that jealousy is flattering – but it’s not flattering when you can’t pick out your own clothes or see your own friends or family when you want to.

How much jealousy is too much?

It’s easy to mistake jealousy for flattery. Someone may say, “I don’t want you going to that party alone because you’re so beautiful and I know how men are.” The key is to pay attention to how the jealous behavior makes you feel, and whether you start to feel like you can’t be yourself or have to question everything you do.

Do you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” around your partner? Are you often concerned with getting in trouble with your partner, afraid of what they might say or do if you do things they don’t like (such as spending time with others, or looking at other people)? Is your partner always accusing you of doing things you never did? Or, on the other side, does it seem like your partner is being overly cautious around you? These are signs of excessive jealousy and controlling behavior that could chip away at someone’s self-esteem and lead to more severe abuse over time.

What would be considered “excessive” calling or text messaging?

The definition of “excessive” depends on what level of communication you’re comfortable with. Some couples enjoy chatting over IM all day and calling each other once an hour. Others may prefer to talk once a day. If communication goes beyond a level you’re comfortable with, and there are consequences to not answering the or keeping up the pace, then there may be a problem. If you talk to your partner about communication levels and boundaries and they continue to contact you too frequently for your taste, then that’s an invasion of privacy. We may live in a digital age, but the phone is not a leash.

Don’t some couples genuinely like spending all of their time together?

Some couples definitely prefer spending more time together than others. The level of time spent together can be a problem if your partner never wants to do things without you or doesn’t trust you to spend time alone. Any time your partner’s actions keep you from being a whole person, make you feel like you can’t trust your own decisions, or limit rather than expand your life experiences, it is cause for concern. It’s important to be honest with your partner about this issue, set expectations early in the relationship and trust that you can be in a relationship without controlling the way your partner spends their time.

If you want to talk to someone from
loveisrespect.org,the National Teen Dating
Abuse Helpline, click chat icon below.

Trained professionals and young adults are
available for assistance and support.

If chat is unavailable, call 1-866-331-9474
or 1-866-331-8453 TTY.